Thursday, December 23, 2004

Christmas Carol - By WHO?

Here's a hilarious column showing what A Christmas Carol would have been like had it been written by some of our contemporaries. A few of my favorites:

John Kerry: After an unsuccessful presidential campaign, Scrooge is haunted by three spirits. The Ghost of Christmas Past shows him his heroic service in Vietnam. The Ghost of Christmas Present shows him a few moments of an unremarkable Senatorial career…and then the Ghost of Christmas Past reappears, and shows his heroic service in Vietnam again! The Ghost of Christmas Future shows him grading the exams of smug grad students at Harvard…and then the Ghost of Christmas Past shows him his heroic service in Vietnam! Again!

Jessica Simpson: Three ghosts haunt Ebeneezer Scrooge. They both teach him a valuable lesson about life.

Ayn Rand: The ruggedly handsome and weirdly articulate Ebeneezer Scrooge is a successful executive held back by the corrupt morality of a society that hates success and fails to understand the value of selfishness. So Scrooge explains that value in a 272-page soliloquy. Deep down, Scrooge's enemies know that he is right, but they resent him out of a sense of their own inferiority. Several hot sex scenes and unlikely monologues later, Scrooge triumphs over all adversity -- except a really mean review by Whittaker Chambers. Meanwhile, Tiny Tim croaks. Socialized medicine is to blame.

The Libertarian Party: It's pretty much the same as the Ayn Rand version, but about halfway through the story, we learn that Scrooge is an alcoholic wife-swapping embezzling weirdo who's wanted for back child support payments in several states. Even readers sympathetic to the Libertarian story throw up their hands in disgust and grudgingly seek out the Republican version.

CBS News: After the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future issue their independent review report, Scrooge grudgingly admits that his remarks about prisons, workhouses, and "the surplus population" were inadequately sourced. Scrooge takes no further action. Tiny Tim dies. Scrooge runs a five-part series on "England's Impending Health Care Crisis."

Jacques Chirac: Scrooge can't understand anything that happens when the Ghost of Christmas Future haunts him. It's all in Arabic.

Okay... Several of my favorites... But I didn't qoute all of them! Go read the rest!


At 12/23/2004 9:54 AM, Blogger superflywebpimp said...

ah the ghosts of christmas....


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